Reliving.....

Many years ago I face the exact same problem I'm facing now. Can you believe it? This shit don't get old at all.. I still remember when I was with Yek I asked myself where to go after form 5~ I wanted to stay in KK so I enrolled in this useless A-level. After A-level.. we broke up~ and got back.. and broke up and got back.. Cause of him I didn't wanna pursue my law degree in KL (though it was really recommended by most of my friends including lecturer), I chose Kuching. A place very near KK thinking that I could fly back easily.. and my sister stays in Kuching..So yeah.. I moved to kuching. A month later.. or so.. we broke up..like for real this time. Great! Now I'm stuck in kuching cause of you! 

I met Ben.. it was great. I was still studying my law degree year 1. I never really studied.. I played.. and skipped classes.. Failed my paper by 2 marks. My sister & mom persuaded me to quit. Ben told me it's better this way to "maintain" our relationship. I did what they all told me. I listened to my sister, listened to my mom, listened to Ben.. Great! 5 years of work with no academic qualification cause of you!

Is making a good decision so hard for me? Sacrificed for Yek.. Sacrificed even more for Ben.. Now I don't even know what I wanna do with my life. I mean.. I used to not think so much. It was so easy to make decision especially when its for that someone you love. I was planning for my "future" so many years ago and I didn't even complete one. One of my dream was to study in UK. Oh you dont know how badly I wanted that. Nothing came true. As a matter of fact, I still don't have my degree~ I'm 26 years old and just attended a preview session for university~ (when actually I should have graduated long long time ago) Seriously.. what was I thinking. Love is damn f*cking blind that I cant see anything at all? I blamed Yek, blamed Ben, blamed my family members.. in the end I'm the one who's doing all of these to myself~ I made the damn choices! I wish .. I really wish that I could change the decision I made..

Now in Singapore.. far from my family members, far from my friends, staying alone, working so hard to pay my school fees.. All because .. I never think of myself at all.. All because.. I don't love myself enough to think straight~ 

So what now? UCD or Murdoch? lol. I thank God that I'm finally doing something for myself. I know that having a degree wont be my worse choice. (Just that if I were to realized it sooner I don need to work so hard.. go through all these.. probably my studies are all paid for and living very comfortably as a student!!) I guess everything do happen for a reason and I should learn how to accept and stop complaining~ But now.. after so many years of time wasting.. I don't know if I can continue with anything that has to do with law. The passion is gone.. I don't feel so.. "On" anymore..

I'm just clueless. They always ask "Where do you see yourself five years from now?" Last time I would know. I'd say a lawyer! Now I'm like.. seriously..? maybe .. an officer in a bank? a cafe/pub singer? or maybe a diamond specialist with sales role? Gosh.. I feel so small in this country! I feel so second class, I feel so lousy, I feel like I'm not important at all.. I mean even my boss makes me feel so different~ Just like this morning~ I smiled at him and he gave me no reaction with his grumpy face. But when he saw the souvenir I bought for him on his table Oh he's like so happy~ But.. come on.. Its a bit fake don't you think? Even talk to officers the tone so sibeh soft, but me..? sometimes soft sometimes.. lol..  

Okay~ the main point is.. erm.. I don't know what to study. lol. Marketing? Law? Banking & Finance? what? Where do I see myself five years from now? I don't know man.. I don't know.. I'm too afraid to see what's ahead when.. I don't even know what will happen tomorrow. I seriously think that anything can happen anything can change. So why plan so hard? Thanks to Ben, now I don't know how my future will be like..  no ambition.. no dream.. nothing. I can't seriously be working in the bank my whole life. I definitely can't be a singer at my age, not to say practice law! Oh God. Why a simple "What course to study" leads to all these words..

I'm too tired.. lets talk about it again. Maybe my next post I'll know what to study.. hopefully..