Love.. 

Do you think love is difficult? Sometimes I still get angry at Ben. Especially when I look at other ppls happily married photos. Angry at why didn't he just have a bit more self control. Things would have been so different. I'd still be the happiest girl in the world. I was so content with everything.. everything..

I see my friends photo, I just don't believe they can be so happy. I thought to myself, "Ceh I was also like this and trust me this won't last." But they still together leh.. just that one more step... We'd be married, giving angpaus to my niece and nephew.. probably a twins in my tummy. 

Why did you choose her? How can you let go everything of us? Are you happy? Do you treat her kids like your own? I hope you do. I hope you're happy. All the tears I cried for you better be worth it.. All the hurts better exchange for your happiness.  Or I'll really strangle you...  

I think it's because of you, I don't know how to love anymore. I find it so difficult. So difficult to give my heart to anyone. Its as if I don't believe in love.. don't believe in happiness anymore.. I just feel like nothing will last.. 

Maybe cause i feel this way, I feel like it's still best to be single. Do anything I want, decide anything without being influenced.. just be alone.. even if I cry because of loneliness its still worth it. Cause in the end no one understands.. no one knows how I feel. 

Love is difficult. 

If he loves me.. I don't really love him. Can this relationship work? If I love him and he don't seem to love me that much.. will he appreciate me? Will he take me for granted? How can I love when I don't feel love. How can I love when I'm not sure that he love me as much as I love him or probably more. How can I feel safe again? How can I trust any of the guys. Maybe one day I'll meet him.. meet the right person. Maybe then all the fears I have will be gone.. Maybe then I'll love again...Maybe then I'll give my all to him who is really worth it.. 

Chinese New Year 2016

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 

Past few days I was kinda busy. I stayed at my aunt house as usual cause it doesn't make sense for me to go home, its so.. damn.. far. So on Nian30 I went to do my nails. I know.. OF ALL DAYS, I did it that day. Guess how much it cost me? $100!!!!  Seriously just thinking bout it my heart aches a bit. I really think doing nails is a waste of money  =( I'm never never gonna do manicure anymore! But ... I kinda like my nails this time. heh heh heh. The color is so me! What do you think? pretty? pretty?

After my pretty nails we had steamboat in one of our relative's huge house. 

Of course cannot miss Lao Sang! lol! This is the bessttttt lao sang ever! The taste so damn good that its not enough! 

I helped also ~ hehe

The next day which is chu 1 we all went back to the same house again. This is what they do every year so I will just follow~ haha~ One whole day in the house we sure do what? SELFIE !!!

*paiseh this one edit a bit too white*

Chu 2 went to Serene aunt house with Shawn.

*me trying to selfie with a dog*

Thats about what I did in the past few days. Busy right? lollll. So today chu 3 start work already sure feel sien. =|

Last night I asked Shawn whether are we gonna celebrate V day in advance. Well he said no. Hmm.. So I told him lets just at least go for a dinner. I mean.. On 14th itself I'll be going to KL already. Plus I'll be gone for almost 10 days~ He said "I don't think its necessary to celebrate V day". I think maybe he think its expensive.... but .. its in advance. It's not even on 14th. I don't think it'll be veryyyyy expensive? And I said its my treat! Still he said no.. I was kinda sad and it bothers me.

Today I asked him out on Friday night. I never mention ANYTHING about V day. Then he's okay with dinner. zzzz. I really don't need roses or expensive dinner. At least just bring me out for a nice dinner or hang out together.. maybe a movie? I don't know.. he makes me feel so .. sad. and guilty! as if I'm demanding or having high expectation. =( A dinner to celebrate V day and a dinner to spend time together really makes this much difference mer? It's just a dinner.. Maybe he's just more accepting to anything without the word "valentines day".

Saw a few pictures of us that we took a year ago. I still remember that time we were quite happy one ler. Don't know why things change so fast. Just don't feel it from you anymore. Don't feel you putting effort anymore. Making me even more sad.... ='( I also trying not to care so much.. don't expect so much and very normal de be with you. Thought maybe I'll be happier..

Maybe I didn't try hard enough.. Maybe I really expect too much.. Sometimes you make me wonder... whether a relationship should be like this.

Ok this is definitely a symptom of PMS! Too Emo already~ now must go to sleep. Goodnight!!

CNY is just around the corner, all the atmosphere really is different. I stayed in my aunt house last night cause we had an early reunion dinner. The food was great as always and though I don't know the relatives there well, last night was still an awesome night! 

Work is getting more and more boring for me. It's so repetitive. I should be doing something I love.. and enjoy.. but to feed my ass I couldn't. That makes me sad. Ah well.. I still have to endure for awhile. Just hang in there right? Anyway, I think I am going to study Project Management or Marketing for my degree. These 2 seems to be more... suitable for me (or at least I think I'll enjoy it). 

I texted him again. I know I shouldn't have. But who says I can't text my friend right? Anyway, I really think that I "自作多情". In Bangkok, he clearly treats everyone the same. I was so stupid to even felt something... when there was really nothing at all. He treats Eunice the same, treats Janice the same, treats me the same. I just think too much.  I really need to leave the past behind. Things are different now. We are really just friends..... and I should just get over it.