Oh.. tonight I'm feeling fine

Hellow! Friday night and no date! Why do I feel perfectly fine? I guess cause I really needed some time alone, at least to clean my dirty room. I tidied up my closet. Didn't know I had thatttt much clothes and sometimes I seriously feel like I got no clothes to wear. I hope all girls are the same. haha. I folded some clothes that Ben bought for me last time, hm.. maybe if 6 months back I would be damn emo and cry like shit. Time really dilute all huh? maybe not 100% but at least now I am able to accept that all those are past and it's nothing more but memories.

Same goes for .. him. Time really separates us. The last reply from him was really .. sorta cold. Reply for the sake of replying. I didn't want to reply that message cause I already got nothing to say lol. I seriously have to stop all these nonsense. Just like Ben, what we had is long gone. It was like more than 10 years ago and I shouldn't expect things to go back to how it was. Though I'm not sure if we really have anything before.... You're living your life in KK, I'm living mine in SG. I'm just stubborn. Must I really appreciate and want things that I don't have? I am seriously attached! I have a boyfriend and here I am blogging about someone else. I'm so ... selfish~ and .. stupid. I'm just giving myself a hard time. I guess the sparks that I have for him in Bangkok was because I think too much. For goodness sake it is just a normal secondary school best friends trip~ I seriously don't need to complicate it by having sparks on what I felt 10 years ago!!

I must appreciate what I have now if not I'll regret for not doing so. I should focus on Shawn and be fair to him. I must let go all the other unnecessary additional feelings. Unless I'm single.I must have self-control. I'm so glad that I'm doing the right thing. Now I need to sleep. Goodnight.

You only live once...

What if I die tomorrow.. I'd regret not telling you how I feel.. and I'd regret not trying. All these time I was making assumptions and drowned in my own thoughts.

 Kimberly said, "Don't just sit there every night think and miss him and cry. Go text him! Even one day you confess and he rejects you, that's where u can start crying until you are over him. Now u everyday cry without even telling him?! Better u go do something bout it!"

She's right you know. She's right. I mean..... You only live once right? and really~ If I die tomorrow I really "am dui" for not trying at all. Well.. there's really nothing to lose in just sending a text message. Though I keep thinking it's very weird and awkward. 

I did it.. I waited till 10.30pm and I sent a text over. Why 10.30pm? Cause he may be on bed or at least at home getting ready for bed! And also to prevent him from being distracted (if he's outside) and not able to reply my message properly. lol. Soooo lucky when I text him he just finished shower. We chit chat for.. awhile.. lol. Then he's conversation turned cold. Like.. nothing to say and just wanna end the topic. I mean, I'm human. I can feel that. Buuutttttt... its okay! I can always text him the day after tomorrow at 10.30pm and start another lame conversation! =D

Why do I feel so crazy over him.. This is the first time I really understand the Taiwan drama when they love someone and couldn't be with the person. Now I know how desperate it feels. It's like... just one chance! Just one chance and I'll treat you so well like never before. Just one more chance I'll love you like you're the luckiest person on earth. That's how much I wanna care for you.. ='( All I can do now is just to swallow this feeling everyday and probably cry to sleep thinking bout the happiness I can get if I'm with you..in my dream and imagination.

I'm seriously crazy. I think I just got enchanted, captivated, charmed, dazzled, enraptured, bewitched, spellbind-ed, fascinated, hypnotized, mesmerized by you. Why is it so sad to have feelings for someone that don't feel the same way..

I wish we could start over.....

I miss you

I just came back from Thailand 3 days ago. I went with my secondary best buds! I have to say.. we all still look young and same like last time~ haha. especially him.. just that he grew taller! Which is normal. Apart from that.. he look the same.. okay~ maybe gained a bit of weight? but I gained weight too! So yeah~.. 

I know things change.. I mean after so many years, everything changed! I can't help but reminisce the past. I miss you. You probably will never know I had a hard time trying to forget you. I cried and missed you so badly when I was with Yek. Seriously even with Ben I thought and cried for you many times too. Sorry Ben but yeah I do think of him when I was with you (Though you're like the perfectest guy..) I remember.. I wrote a post about you many years ago.. I told myself "I think this is it. I must move on.. you changed and you probably hate me". But every time.. every single time I see you.. you make me think of you even more. 

I know I made a mistake.. I know I hurt you (or I think I did, maybe you don't think so).. still I think that I hurt you. It breaks my heart so badly when we stopped talking.. and the stupidest stupidest thing was that.. I .. didn't tell you anytime sooner. I just let time slipped.. I couldn't tell you.. I don't know how. I remember I called you and cried.. you told me.. to appreciate what I have now. I cried for many days cause I feel rejected. I never get to tell you how.. important you are. You know.. I'm stupid for not .. showing you that I care. 

When I visit KK I was so so excited to see you. I remember you told me you wanna send me to airport the last day. Waaaa you cannot believe how stupid I am I thought you wanna go kingfisher to pick me up. Then I know you wanna meet me in airport. Still.. I was very happy.. I was excited to meet you yamcha even though I just broke up with Ben and told you all about it. But the moment your mom called.. asking whether your gf is coming home for dinner. I have to say.. I was kinda sad. But when I know you broke up.. I was kinda sad too.. When you say you wanna join the bkk trip~ you don't know how how how how happy I look forward to the trip~ Of course Shana, Eunice, Janice is important too. I was so scared that we'd have a big gap! Thankfully it was all still okay. Though I feel your "reserve-ness", somehow I still wanna stay close to you. 

I couldn't stop smiling when you hold my hand in Choc Ville. Though I know you were fooling around.. You don't know how much I don't wanna let go.. I wish someone had recorded that moment at least I can see it over and over again! Too bad, now I can only play it over and over again in my head. You know the night before you leave you were laying on my bed. You don't know how much I wanna stick to you. Argh! Why didn't I give you that hug before you got on the cab!! I wanted to keep everything about you in my heart. But I couldn't.. I think of you every minute when I got nothing to do! I miss you like crazy! You'll never know.. You'll never know how big the impact you have on me..

Every year I remember your birthday. Jia jia text you and wish you. Though most of the time you'll reply me "Who r u".. I'm like.. yappp..? True la I always change number last time. Still.. I was happy to be able to chitchat with you for that short while. It'd be weird if I text you randomly "What are you doing?". You probably won't reply. Since every message that I sent, you're the one who stopped replying.. 

I must be crazy. I shouldn't be writing all these. Argh!! I'm gonna stop thinking bout you!!

Reliving.....

Many years ago I face the exact same problem I'm facing now. Can you believe it? This shit don't get old at all.. I still remember when I was with Yek I asked myself where to go after form 5~ I wanted to stay in KK so I enrolled in this useless A-level. After A-level.. we broke up~ and got back.. and broke up and got back.. Cause of him I didn't wanna pursue my law degree in KL (though it was really recommended by most of my friends including lecturer), I chose Kuching. A place very near KK thinking that I could fly back easily.. and my sister stays in Kuching..So yeah.. I moved to kuching. A month later.. or so.. we broke up..like for real this time. Great! Now I'm stuck in kuching cause of you! 

I met Ben.. it was great. I was still studying my law degree year 1. I never really studied.. I played.. and skipped classes.. Failed my paper by 2 marks. My sister & mom persuaded me to quit. Ben told me it's better this way to "maintain" our relationship. I did what they all told me. I listened to my sister, listened to my mom, listened to Ben.. Great! 5 years of work with no academic qualification cause of you!

Is making a good decision so hard for me? Sacrificed for Yek.. Sacrificed even more for Ben.. Now I don't even know what I wanna do with my life. I mean.. I used to not think so much. It was so easy to make decision especially when its for that someone you love. I was planning for my "future" so many years ago and I didn't even complete one. One of my dream was to study in UK. Oh you dont know how badly I wanted that. Nothing came true. As a matter of fact, I still don't have my degree~ I'm 26 years old and just attended a preview session for university~ (when actually I should have graduated long long time ago) Seriously.. what was I thinking. Love is damn f*cking blind that I cant see anything at all? I blamed Yek, blamed Ben, blamed my family members.. in the end I'm the one who's doing all of these to myself~ I made the damn choices! I wish .. I really wish that I could change the decision I made..

Now in Singapore.. far from my family members, far from my friends, staying alone, working so hard to pay my school fees.. All because .. I never think of myself at all.. All because.. I don't love myself enough to think straight~ 

So what now? UCD or Murdoch? lol. I thank God that I'm finally doing something for myself. I know that having a degree wont be my worse choice. (Just that if I were to realized it sooner I don need to work so hard.. go through all these.. probably my studies are all paid for and living very comfortably as a student!!) I guess everything do happen for a reason and I should learn how to accept and stop complaining~ But now.. after so many years of time wasting.. I don't know if I can continue with anything that has to do with law. The passion is gone.. I don't feel so.. "On" anymore..

I'm just clueless. They always ask "Where do you see yourself five years from now?" Last time I would know. I'd say a lawyer! Now I'm like.. seriously..? maybe .. an officer in a bank? a cafe/pub singer? or maybe a diamond specialist with sales role? Gosh.. I feel so small in this country! I feel so second class, I feel so lousy, I feel like I'm not important at all.. I mean even my boss makes me feel so different~ Just like this morning~ I smiled at him and he gave me no reaction with his grumpy face. But when he saw the souvenir I bought for him on his table Oh he's like so happy~ But.. come on.. Its a bit fake don't you think? Even talk to officers the tone so sibeh soft, but me..? sometimes soft sometimes.. lol..  

Okay~ the main point is.. erm.. I don't know what to study. lol. Marketing? Law? Banking & Finance? what? Where do I see myself five years from now? I don't know man.. I don't know.. I'm too afraid to see what's ahead when.. I don't even know what will happen tomorrow. I seriously think that anything can happen anything can change. So why plan so hard? Thanks to Ben, now I don't know how my future will be like..  no ambition.. no dream.. nothing. I can't seriously be working in the bank my whole life. I definitely can't be a singer at my age, not to say practice law! Oh God. Why a simple "What course to study" leads to all these words..

I'm too tired.. lets talk about it again. Maybe my next post I'll know what to study.. hopefully..

I'm back!

Hello again! I'm back~ I know I know.. after 4 years now I'm back? true or not? But yeap! I guess .. I really need a blog to express myself. Actually I did try starting blogging again like a year back. This is the link >> xexebaby.wordpress.com Anyway i don't think I'll continue there anymore.. I wanna continue writing my life.. Changing a blog doesn't change anything. So yeah.. I'll give u guys some updates of some major events that took place?

So.. here goes! I got a feeling this is going to be heck long blog. Still, I'll try to cut short =) As you all know.. Ben & I broke up. That was the reason I couldnt continue writing here. For those who didnt know, we were together for almost 5 years. I have to say .. I thought he was the one. He's different from the other guys. He's very gentleman.. and I never felt so loved before. You all know I kinda suck in relationship. So finally.. finally I thought, I got the right one this time! woohoo! Sad to say, things did not happen like I thought it would be. We were getting ready to settle down our lives together, we bought a house, we were happy.., and I was just waiting.. for that day. For the day that I would shout out loud YES I DO!!! I guess after 2 years now.. I'm happy you made that choice. Tho I find it really hard to accept in the first place. But.. I'm really happy for you. Cause you found the right one and I'm sure you're very happy with her. I don't hate you Ben. I guess I love you so much to be able to let you go. No doubt that I still think of you.. cry for you.. misses you.. well for all that beautiful memories with you I can say that its totally normal. At least.. now I moved on. Yep. You heard that right! see that right! Though, the news of both of you getting married soon makes my eyes go crazy and couldn't stop crying. I still think that's normal given that we did spent many many years together. So here I am.. wishing you happiness! and its all worth it to be with the one you love =)

Okay so that was one of the major event in my life. LOL, The second one is.. I'M IN SINGAPORE!!!! Well, if you know me as like a real friend and read all of my previous blogs, you'd know how difficult it is for my character and personality to make this choice. .... Okay not that difficult cause I was too hurt and wanted to leave badly, so it was the only thing i wanted to do. It was to leave Kuching.. I couldnt stand another day there and I'm going to leave out all the little details that happened. So yeah, I told my mom a week before and my sis 3 days before I'm leaving and .. I made it. Though I was very sad to leave my family members and just runaway like that. I knew that I needed a change. I am now renting a room, no xiao bai (my car), no mummy's food, only me and me being independent~  I suggest you read my other blog to know roughly hows my life in Singapore. I .. am attached. We had many problems, just like the one I had with my 2nd ex (ah Yek), and if u view my older post, yep, the better looking one is him. Oh yeah, btw, Yek is getting married soon too! Esther showed me a photo of him proposing~ I'm so happy for him! All that heartache I felt for him was so not worth it! lol! We should end earlier and we both could be happier! Ah well.. I guess things do happen for a reason.

 So back to my bf and I, we had many problems. We gave up many times. Wanted to go our own ways many times. But you all know me. My heart.. I couldnt do it. and yes, we are still together. 1 year plus now. Things.. are getting slightly better for both of us. I can feel it. I mean much much better compared to like.. 6 months ago? So yeah.. I've been holding on. Trying and trying. I'm glad that its better. But.. I dont know.. Some part of me knows that.. he's not the one. I know it.. He's not the one that I'd spend the rest of my life with. I must be crazy right? Holding on to something I know that its not my future, but cause I am.. too afraid.. too scared of that heartache caused by Ben. I changed without me knowing. Being so reserve and I guess overly independent that I didn't want anyone but myself. Now I'm slowly opening up. Slowly accepting him and his flaws. I hope that.. I can endure long enough and hurt enough to have the courage to end this. Seeing that he is treating me better. I guess it'll need quite some time to end this relationship. hahaha~

So thats all! My major updates~ lol. I'm gonna blog more often cause I feel so much better now =) I'm gonna write about my bangkok trip the next post! Stay tune? Tata!

Some photos to show you what happened when I didnt blog~ lol

 This is Wen Wen. She's my best friend in Kuching! She is the one who was with me throughout all my tough time!

Like a tourist in Kch we cycled the town~

Our KL trip to cheer me up!

Damai trip! 

Wen, if you ever have chance to read this blog of mine, I wanna tell you thank you. Thank you very much for being with me all the time when I need one. You're a great friend! and I love you!! =D 

After I broke up, my new life begin~ I party crazily every single night!

Though we don't talk to each other anymore, It's okay~ Cause we really did had a great time together! I'm glad you guys were in my life before.

You cannot imagine how crazy I was.. my sis saw me going to toilet with my make up and I was so drunk I told her I make up before I shower. Some crazy shit like that haha, The moment you go to work with perfect make up on the face from last night is priceless~ The awful hangover at work sucks~ but once its 11pm the night became so damn damn young! Many many months until I told myself, Stop. Celina, stop. I stopped partying.. but the hurt got even worse when everything slaps back at my face. Thats when I decided to leave. But of course you cant really stop.. everything.. at once. haha~ 

Must do before drinking stout!

When you wanna do whatever you want with your hair!

My loneliest time in Kch, you guys surprised me all the way from KK! 

My forever forever Best Friend! Shana Ng! 

Penang trip that Ben was suppose to meet my birth parents~ 

My sister

aaaaaand my twin brother. yep. me and ma twins! 

Sorry I have no idea how to rotate this picture

My second bravest trip to visit my birth parents alone~

Nakhon Phanom in Thailand to visit my grandmother~

First time meeting my grandma~ Sawadeeka kunyai^^

My KK gang in SG that makes me feel like I'm home~

My bestie Kimmy! 

Single me looking at the sea~ lol

I'll update more the next time. But I guess thats about what happened? lol~