PMS

Today I'm feeling rather emotional. I hate it when it's that time of the month. I'll feel really weak physically.. emotionally.. and mentally.. Sometimes I just hope that I can travel alone somewhere far, eat alone, explore alone, cry before i sleep.... Anyway, I wanted to blog since the past few day but was tooo tired to even sit in front of my lappie. So today I finally made that 2 steps from my bed.

So... Shawn and I .. are still together. I know. Don't say or think of anything. I know. I thought to myself a million times. Why am I still in this relationship when I'm not happy. But sometimes I'm not entirely not happy. I mean there are happy times. But must I wait till I become entirely unhappy then only can let go a relationship? Is letting go really so hard for me? I don't know.. I'm just feeling so lost and down. Well Shawn is in Taiwan travelling with Marcus. I don't know why, I start to hate myself more and more. I hate to feel insecure. I hate this feeling right now. I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I saw his pictures with some new friends of his which I know is Marcus friends. But as long as there is female in it I go crazy. Seriously what is wrong with me. Can I not have that little trust? It's just me. There is no trust.. maybe not cause of him..or maybe cause of him.. or maybe it's just me. I find it so hard. So so so so hard to trust that I can't trust anybody at all!! Even I know there is nothing going on~ But I can't... How am I going to continue this relationship when I can't trust him.. and all I can do is just feeling so sad and cry to myself.. thinking of all those stupid thoughts..

I feel like I have no life.. I feel like I have so little fun in my life.. What happen to me. Why does a relationship makes me feel this way. Sometimes I feel like I cant breathe and I'm suffocating. I feel so much anger inside me and I try to put it off every single time. I feel so unhappy. I don't want to control my boyfriend. I expect my boyfriend to make me feel safe. I want my boyfriend to text me. I want him to miss me and just talk to me most of the time. Argh. But I don want to force it. I don't want to tell him that this is what I need. It should be natural for a boyfriend to text the gf most of the time. I don't want it to be unwilling and so forced.. I don't want to suffocate him too.. but I'm dying.. Im really dying inside. I don't feel safe.. I don't trust.. I don't know if I can ever love again.

God.. where is my Mr.Right? Because I feel like I really need him right now. Where is the one that will make me feel better and make me love again? Where is he who will understands me inside out? That know all my darkest fear and cherish me like I'm the only one. Whose eyes only see me and only wanna make me smile.. Where is my lover and my best friend who I can talk to about everything and anything.. Where is he.. Cause I cant love until I found him. I need him to open my heart again. I want to love like how I loved Ben. I want to trust.. like how I trusted Ben.. I want no fear in the relationship.. No third party in the relationship.. Just me.. God.. and him..Am I asking too much? Cause I thought God you will only give me the best. and I really pray.. for the best..  I really am waiting for him..

I know that deep down inside my heart.. Shawn and I are holding on for the wrong reasons.. Is holding on doing any good for both of us? Am I the right one for him? or the selfish question is .. Is he the right one for me? Will I.. be happy.. ? I hope God answer my prayers soon..