You only live once...

What if I die tomorrow.. I'd regret not telling you how I feel.. and I'd regret not trying. All these time I was making assumptions and drowned in my own thoughts.

 Kimberly said, "Don't just sit there every night think and miss him and cry. Go text him! Even one day you confess and he rejects you, that's where u can start crying until you are over him. Now u everyday cry without even telling him?! Better u go do something bout it!"

She's right you know. She's right. I mean..... You only live once right? and really~ If I die tomorrow I really "am dui" for not trying at all. Well.. there's really nothing to lose in just sending a text message. Though I keep thinking it's very weird and awkward. 

I did it.. I waited till 10.30pm and I sent a text over. Why 10.30pm? Cause he may be on bed or at least at home getting ready for bed! And also to prevent him from being distracted (if he's outside) and not able to reply my message properly. lol. Soooo lucky when I text him he just finished shower. We chit chat for.. awhile.. lol. Then he's conversation turned cold. Like.. nothing to say and just wanna end the topic. I mean, I'm human. I can feel that. Buuutttttt... its okay! I can always text him the day after tomorrow at 10.30pm and start another lame conversation! =D

Why do I feel so crazy over him.. This is the first time I really understand the Taiwan drama when they love someone and couldn't be with the person. Now I know how desperate it feels. It's like... just one chance! Just one chance and I'll treat you so well like never before. Just one more chance I'll love you like you're the luckiest person on earth. That's how much I wanna care for you.. ='( All I can do now is just to swallow this feeling everyday and probably cry to sleep thinking bout the happiness I can get if I'm with you..in my dream and imagination.

I'm seriously crazy. I think I just got enchanted, captivated, charmed, dazzled, enraptured, bewitched, spellbind-ed, fascinated, hypnotized, mesmerized by you. Why is it so sad to have feelings for someone that don't feel the same way..

I wish we could start over.....

I miss you

I just came back from Thailand 3 days ago. I went with my secondary best buds! I have to say.. we all still look young and same like last time~ haha. especially him.. just that he grew taller! Which is normal. Apart from that.. he look the same.. okay~ maybe gained a bit of weight? but I gained weight too! So yeah~.. 

I know things change.. I mean after so many years, everything changed! I can't help but reminisce the past. I miss you. You probably will never know I had a hard time trying to forget you. I cried and missed you so badly when I was with Yek. Seriously even with Ben I thought and cried for you many times too. Sorry Ben but yeah I do think of him when I was with you (Though you're like the perfectest guy..) I remember.. I wrote a post about you many years ago.. I told myself "I think this is it. I must move on.. you changed and you probably hate me". But every time.. every single time I see you.. you make me think of you even more. 

I know I made a mistake.. I know I hurt you (or I think I did, maybe you don't think so).. still I think that I hurt you. It breaks my heart so badly when we stopped talking.. and the stupidest stupidest thing was that.. I .. didn't tell you anytime sooner. I just let time slipped.. I couldn't tell you.. I don't know how. I remember I called you and cried.. you told me.. to appreciate what I have now. I cried for many days cause I feel rejected. I never get to tell you how.. important you are. You know.. I'm stupid for not .. showing you that I care. 

When I visit KK I was so so excited to see you. I remember you told me you wanna send me to airport the last day. Waaaa you cannot believe how stupid I am I thought you wanna go kingfisher to pick me up. Then I know you wanna meet me in airport. Still.. I was very happy.. I was excited to meet you yamcha even though I just broke up with Ben and told you all about it. But the moment your mom called.. asking whether your gf is coming home for dinner. I have to say.. I was kinda sad. But when I know you broke up.. I was kinda sad too.. When you say you wanna join the bkk trip~ you don't know how how how how happy I look forward to the trip~ Of course Shana, Eunice, Janice is important too. I was so scared that we'd have a big gap! Thankfully it was all still okay. Though I feel your "reserve-ness", somehow I still wanna stay close to you. 

I couldn't stop smiling when you hold my hand in Choc Ville. Though I know you were fooling around.. You don't know how much I don't wanna let go.. I wish someone had recorded that moment at least I can see it over and over again! Too bad, now I can only play it over and over again in my head. You know the night before you leave you were laying on my bed. You don't know how much I wanna stick to you. Argh! Why didn't I give you that hug before you got on the cab!! I wanted to keep everything about you in my heart. But I couldn't.. I think of you every minute when I got nothing to do! I miss you like crazy! You'll never know.. You'll never know how big the impact you have on me..

Every year I remember your birthday. Jia jia text you and wish you. Though most of the time you'll reply me "Who r u".. I'm like.. yappp..? True la I always change number last time. Still.. I was happy to be able to chitchat with you for that short while. It'd be weird if I text you randomly "What are you doing?". You probably won't reply. Since every message that I sent, you're the one who stopped replying.. 

I must be crazy. I shouldn't be writing all these. Argh!! I'm gonna stop thinking bout you!!

Reliving.....

Many years ago I face the exact same problem I'm facing now. Can you believe it? This shit don't get old at all.. I still remember when I was with Yek I asked myself where to go after form 5~ I wanted to stay in KK so I enrolled in this useless A-level. After A-level.. we broke up~ and got back.. and broke up and got back.. Cause of him I didn't wanna pursue my law degree in KL (though it was really recommended by most of my friends including lecturer), I chose Kuching. A place very near KK thinking that I could fly back easily.. and my sister stays in Kuching..So yeah.. I moved to kuching. A month later.. or so.. we broke up..like for real this time. Great! Now I'm stuck in kuching cause of you! 

I met Ben.. it was great. I was still studying my law degree year 1. I never really studied.. I played.. and skipped classes.. Failed my paper by 2 marks. My sister & mom persuaded me to quit. Ben told me it's better this way to "maintain" our relationship. I did what they all told me. I listened to my sister, listened to my mom, listened to Ben.. Great! 5 years of work with no academic qualification cause of you!

Is making a good decision so hard for me? Sacrificed for Yek.. Sacrificed even more for Ben.. Now I don't even know what I wanna do with my life. I mean.. I used to not think so much. It was so easy to make decision especially when its for that someone you love. I was planning for my "future" so many years ago and I didn't even complete one. One of my dream was to study in UK. Oh you dont know how badly I wanted that. Nothing came true. As a matter of fact, I still don't have my degree~ I'm 26 years old and just attended a preview session for university~ (when actually I should have graduated long long time ago) Seriously.. what was I thinking. Love is damn f*cking blind that I cant see anything at all? I blamed Yek, blamed Ben, blamed my family members.. in the end I'm the one who's doing all of these to myself~ I made the damn choices! I wish .. I really wish that I could change the decision I made..

Now in Singapore.. far from my family members, far from my friends, staying alone, working so hard to pay my school fees.. All because .. I never think of myself at all.. All because.. I don't love myself enough to think straight~ 

So what now? UCD or Murdoch? lol. I thank God that I'm finally doing something for myself. I know that having a degree wont be my worse choice. (Just that if I were to realized it sooner I don need to work so hard.. go through all these.. probably my studies are all paid for and living very comfortably as a student!!) I guess everything do happen for a reason and I should learn how to accept and stop complaining~ But now.. after so many years of time wasting.. I don't know if I can continue with anything that has to do with law. The passion is gone.. I don't feel so.. "On" anymore..

I'm just clueless. They always ask "Where do you see yourself five years from now?" Last time I would know. I'd say a lawyer! Now I'm like.. seriously..? maybe .. an officer in a bank? a cafe/pub singer? or maybe a diamond specialist with sales role? Gosh.. I feel so small in this country! I feel so second class, I feel so lousy, I feel like I'm not important at all.. I mean even my boss makes me feel so different~ Just like this morning~ I smiled at him and he gave me no reaction with his grumpy face. But when he saw the souvenir I bought for him on his table Oh he's like so happy~ But.. come on.. Its a bit fake don't you think? Even talk to officers the tone so sibeh soft, but me..? sometimes soft sometimes.. lol..  

Okay~ the main point is.. erm.. I don't know what to study. lol. Marketing? Law? Banking & Finance? what? Where do I see myself five years from now? I don't know man.. I don't know.. I'm too afraid to see what's ahead when.. I don't even know what will happen tomorrow. I seriously think that anything can happen anything can change. So why plan so hard? Thanks to Ben, now I don't know how my future will be like..  no ambition.. no dream.. nothing. I can't seriously be working in the bank my whole life. I definitely can't be a singer at my age, not to say practice law! Oh God. Why a simple "What course to study" leads to all these words..

I'm too tired.. lets talk about it again. Maybe my next post I'll know what to study.. hopefully..

I'm back!

Hello again! I'm back~ I know I know.. after 4 years now I'm back? true or not? But yeap! I guess .. I really need a blog to express myself. Actually I did try starting blogging again like a year back. This is the link >> xexebaby.wordpress.com Anyway i don't think I'll continue there anymore.. I wanna continue writing my life.. Changing a blog doesn't change anything. So yeah.. I'll give u guys some updates of some major events that took place?

So.. here goes! I got a feeling this is going to be heck long blog. Still, I'll try to cut short =) As you all know.. Ben & I broke up. That was the reason I couldnt continue writing here. For those who didnt know, we were together for almost 5 years. I have to say .. I thought he was the one. He's different from the other guys. He's very gentleman.. and I never felt so loved before. You all know I kinda suck in relationship. So finally.. finally I thought, I got the right one this time! woohoo! Sad to say, things did not happen like I thought it would be. We were getting ready to settle down our lives together, we bought a house, we were happy.., and I was just waiting.. for that day. For the day that I would shout out loud YES I DO!!! I guess after 2 years now.. I'm happy you made that choice. Tho I find it really hard to accept in the first place. But.. I'm really happy for you. Cause you found the right one and I'm sure you're very happy with her. I don't hate you Ben. I guess I love you so much to be able to let you go. No doubt that I still think of you.. cry for you.. misses you.. well for all that beautiful memories with you I can say that its totally normal. At least.. now I moved on. Yep. You heard that right! see that right! Though, the news of both of you getting married soon makes my eyes go crazy and couldn't stop crying. I still think that's normal given that we did spent many many years together. So here I am.. wishing you happiness! and its all worth it to be with the one you love =)

Okay so that was one of the major event in my life. LOL, The second one is.. I'M IN SINGAPORE!!!! Well, if you know me as like a real friend and read all of my previous blogs, you'd know how difficult it is for my character and personality to make this choice. .... Okay not that difficult cause I was too hurt and wanted to leave badly, so it was the only thing i wanted to do. It was to leave Kuching.. I couldnt stand another day there and I'm going to leave out all the little details that happened. So yeah, I told my mom a week before and my sis 3 days before I'm leaving and .. I made it. Though I was very sad to leave my family members and just runaway like that. I knew that I needed a change. I am now renting a room, no xiao bai (my car), no mummy's food, only me and me being independent~  I suggest you read my other blog to know roughly hows my life in Singapore. I .. am attached. We had many problems, just like the one I had with my 2nd ex (ah Yek), and if u view my older post, yep, the better looking one is him. Oh yeah, btw, Yek is getting married soon too! Esther showed me a photo of him proposing~ I'm so happy for him! All that heartache I felt for him was so not worth it! lol! We should end earlier and we both could be happier! Ah well.. I guess things do happen for a reason.

 So back to my bf and I, we had many problems. We gave up many times. Wanted to go our own ways many times. But you all know me. My heart.. I couldnt do it. and yes, we are still together. 1 year plus now. Things.. are getting slightly better for both of us. I can feel it. I mean much much better compared to like.. 6 months ago? So yeah.. I've been holding on. Trying and trying. I'm glad that its better. But.. I dont know.. Some part of me knows that.. he's not the one. I know it.. He's not the one that I'd spend the rest of my life with. I must be crazy right? Holding on to something I know that its not my future, but cause I am.. too afraid.. too scared of that heartache caused by Ben. I changed without me knowing. Being so reserve and I guess overly independent that I didn't want anyone but myself. Now I'm slowly opening up. Slowly accepting him and his flaws. I hope that.. I can endure long enough and hurt enough to have the courage to end this. Seeing that he is treating me better. I guess it'll need quite some time to end this relationship. hahaha~

So thats all! My major updates~ lol. I'm gonna blog more often cause I feel so much better now =) I'm gonna write about my bangkok trip the next post! Stay tune? Tata!

Some photos to show you what happened when I didnt blog~ lol

 This is Wen Wen. She's my best friend in Kuching! She is the one who was with me throughout all my tough time!

Like a tourist in Kch we cycled the town~

Our KL trip to cheer me up!

Damai trip! 

Wen, if you ever have chance to read this blog of mine, I wanna tell you thank you. Thank you very much for being with me all the time when I need one. You're a great friend! and I love you!! =D 

After I broke up, my new life begin~ I party crazily every single night!

Though we don't talk to each other anymore, It's okay~ Cause we really did had a great time together! I'm glad you guys were in my life before.

You cannot imagine how crazy I was.. my sis saw me going to toilet with my make up and I was so drunk I told her I make up before I shower. Some crazy shit like that haha, The moment you go to work with perfect make up on the face from last night is priceless~ The awful hangover at work sucks~ but once its 11pm the night became so damn damn young! Many many months until I told myself, Stop. Celina, stop. I stopped partying.. but the hurt got even worse when everything slaps back at my face. Thats when I decided to leave. But of course you cant really stop.. everything.. at once. haha~ 

Must do before drinking stout!

When you wanna do whatever you want with your hair!

My loneliest time in Kch, you guys surprised me all the way from KK! 

My forever forever Best Friend! Shana Ng! 

Penang trip that Ben was suppose to meet my birth parents~ 

My sister

aaaaaand my twin brother. yep. me and ma twins! 

Sorry I have no idea how to rotate this picture

My second bravest trip to visit my birth parents alone~

Nakhon Phanom in Thailand to visit my grandmother~

First time meeting my grandma~ Sawadeeka kunyai^^

My KK gang in SG that makes me feel like I'm home~

My bestie Kimmy! 

Single me looking at the sea~ lol

I'll update more the next time. But I guess thats about what happened? lol~ 

F.R.I.E.N.D.S?

Hello again!!! I just realized that I haven't been blogging since LAST YEAR SEPTEMBER~ Oh my goodness~ haha~ My blog is dead. :P Anyway~ I just feel like blogging today. Maybe its because of today "boring-ful" public holiday and I have nothing to do. I wanted to expressssss myself about friends today. Hmm.. How do I begin...? =/

Okay, Basically, I have many friends.. All the ppl in my FB are my friends~ So I do not lack any friends. Right? But.. True friends?? or.. Good friends?? or BEST friends?? Lemme think~ I have this friend, her name is X. We knew each other when we were so so so so so young (about primary school). We lost contact for a few years, met each other in between but we became "HI-BYE' friends. Then it turns out that she was studying in Kuching. Great! I cannot believe she was studying here and so we met. We were still so good. Everything between us was like old times :P After a few months, I realized that, only if I called her, she would meet me. But she never ever even once called to meet me. I was kinda disappointed by that. I feel like I'm the only one who wanted to find them & they actually just "ying chou" me. But I'm fine lar. Sooner on, our relationship becomes worsen. I dont really remember how it ended. But i missed her. So I FB wall her, hoping to meet someday. =.= She left Kuching and she's currently in Aussie. I guessed that she was unhappy with me and she dont freaking bother me at all? But at least, AT LEAST, I think I did what was right, in "FB Walling" her first. At least, I tried to fix this relationship? She commented my post and now I think its fine between us. Everytime I passed by chonglin park, I still thought of them. :)

I learned something in this friendship thingy, that there is a LINE in every friendship, you cant get TOO close to it, but you cant stay TOO far from it. Seriously, I have had all these past experiences of friendship that turns out bad. And it is always because of TOO close. But I have tried my very best to pull back all the past friendships.

Some best friends, are for hanging out and have fun, looks so close, contact everyday~ but deep down, we know that some "xin shi" in our heart, we cannot tell them. But some best friends are those that I don't contact much, but no matter how long it has been, we always know that they are our truly best friends. Even if we dont talk about our "xin shi" or stuffs, the joy of having them in my life, reminds me that I still have true friends. I think its because of the BOND, the bond in our relationship makes it not easy to be broken off easily. True friends have these bond, even arguments arise, it is still good and kicking hard. LOL. But, if the bond is not there, just a small touch, it could ruin the whole friendship.

My conclusion is, its best to have an understanding boyfriend like my Ben. Whatever problems that I'm facing, I know that he supports me from my back. Thank God, for letting me learn all these about friendships, for giving me a great boyfriend, and for this wonderful life I'm having. xD. Btw, lemme update some pics that i took with Bianca & Esther in Singapore and some other stuffs :P

In the plane to SG ;)

Universal Studio


In Kuching Aiport~ Bub bye~

Ben & I

Thats all for now~ Tata!!

Letters to God?

Hey peeps! Finally its Sunday, well, it is a day that I love the most in the weeks. I guess its because I can go to church, during the praise & worship time I can pour everything out to God. I don't know why am I feeling this way today, usually on Sunday I am the "happy jolly" type. I still remember yesterday I watch a movie called "Letters to God". Its so so so so touching! And I loved it! The movie let me understand more things now. A good relationship with God is just all I need to make it through my days.

Honestly, I'm kinda troubled by something. It's my job. Im kinda sick of it. I have no idea why. But i just feel so sick of it! Somehow, there is a part of me that is telling me that "I'm just 20!! I'm not ready to be committed into a job or any job yet! I have no time to do things I wanted to do! I can't exercise and keep up to my diet! I cant hang out with my friends! I cant slack at all!!" ARGH! The long working hours is just making me so so so so so so sick! 1 week 7 days, 1 day off, 1 day shift. Thats it! The rest is full! Full as in 10am - 9pm! Whats worse is that now I need to arrive at 9.45am! Which means I think I have to wake up at 8.45am?!

The more I think of it the more I feel so frus about my job! I wish I'm just like those "boring workers" that doesnt do anything and have the same bloody routine everyday! Like this :

8.30am: Alarm clock rings

8.45am: Reluctantly wakes up

9.15am: Eats oatmeal

9.30am: In the car driving to work

9.48am: Arrive at work

9.49am: Start working

1pm : Eats lunch

1.30pm: Continue working

6pm : Eats dinner

6.30pm: Continue working

9pm : Driving back home

9.20pm: Reach home rest awhile

11pm : Sleep

Can you just imagine? 5 days of working days being like THIS?!! I just don't know how long I can take this! I have a strongly urged feeling that I wanna quit this job! But I know I can't, unless I finish up my gemologist course. Ahh.. It's just so hard, I can't work elsewhere! No matter what I'm just stuck here! Feeling so breathless. Even Ben have like 3 days of shifts, 1 day off, and only 3 days of full shift!! He can go gym in the morning or maybe go home early to rest. Me? I'm totally stuck in this routine! Just feels so lonely when Ben doesn't find me sometimes. Its just like "The perfect routine & I alone", living my own great life.


Besides that reason, I feel like working here with my sister is just creating an ENORMOUS GAP between us. I'm starting to dislike her. She just have this attitude of hers that makes me so frus too. Not to say her husband, we always have misunderstanding. Its like he is always picking on me! I dont know is it because of me living in their house and he thinks that I'm some kinda trouble or burden or whatsoever. I just don't feel like talking to any of them, except for their 2 kids of course. They're just too cute to not talked to or played with. -Shrug- I guess what they say is true, about the gap between employer and employees? I'm starting to feel more like a worker than her sister. Or like a worker that is renting her house. I just feel more like "repaying" her, or thanking her for the money she spent on me. Do I lack family love now? Or am I just too "burdenish"?

Anyways, she just gave me a feel that is so not comfortable. Especially when we have the same customer. She just let me feels that everything I do is wrong, and that she wants to blame everything on me. Maybe she doesn't feel this way about me, but this is how I feel.

(not this lar, but something similar xD)

Ben's family is different, they show more love than I can feel in my own home. During moon cake festival, I had dinner with them at their home. There is KFC, satay, beehoon, kueyteow, and just some other foods (btw, the foods are all tapau-ed, lols). It was just a simple dinner, I brought 2 moon cake jelly. I was kinda shy to eat when auntie cut it for me, it was kinda little (Hello! 2 moon cake jelly for 7 ppl is so little already, include me that would be 8 ). So I kinda reject it by saying it's okay, I ate at home already. Guess what auntie replied? Lols. "Cannot! Must eat, this is moon cake festival, everyone also have to eat". Okay, maybe it didnt mean "anything", but somehow I just feel like, she's treating me like one family. Didn't feel that homey when I'm at my own home with sister or bro-in-law. Weird ho how I am feeling now. Hee.


I know that my sister loves me too, she spent quite a lot of money for my studies & my expenses. I also know that Ben loves me, even though he didn't spent as much as my sister did but Ben's love seems to win hers. Maybe Ben is just good at showing love to me =P Hm.. K lar, I better get going now. I'm talking too much. Heh. Tata!

I'm backieee!!!

Hey Hey Hey!! Yes, yes, It's 31st of August and YES I'M BLOGGING!!! (Its a very boring day you know). Anyway, I would now like to "blast" you guys all the stuffs I have been doing since the day I last blogged. =P

The most recent will be.. *drums* BENJAMIN ONG's BURFDAY!! Yeap, and that is just 2days ago (28/9/10). Happy Birthday Baby!! Hope you love the present I gave you! xP Here's some sneak peek! Enjoy xD

After putting the cotton in the pillowcase

After sewing all the stitches~

After 2 months, finally done!

The back part of the pillowcase~

Hold on.. There's MORE~ TAH DAH!!

Obviously with my standard I can't make cake as pretty as this~

But at least still can make something like this~ ^^

May all your dreams come true baby~

I know you don't like me to show this pic cause u look fat here, but i don't care! It's my blog! I didnt put in fb is give u face liao hor~ hehe~

So yea, that is how we celebrated his birthday, nothing grand or "public", but just a simple simple day that I love so much :)

Oh yea, I wanna use this chance to share a testimony of what God did to my life too. Thank you Lord for everything. Here goes, There is this Sunday, I went to visit Blessed Church (another church in kch, my church is City Harvest). During the offering, my purse was only about rm80. I planned to just put in Rm10. Hehe. But then there is this feeling of mine, that wants me to put in rm50. So I was thinking.. Hm.. maybe i was just thinking too much, I know that if i put in this rm50, I would only have rm30 until Sept 2 when my salary is out. =.= That's gonna be so long until Sept 2. So i closed my eyes, asking God for 3 times! Whether or not you want me to put in rm10 or rm50. After the 3rd time, still not much sign of rm10. So i say, "Aahh.. It's okay lar. Just put in. God will blessed me in a way". Guess what? I put it in, few days later, I got a raised of rm200 in my salary! Thank God for everything~ Really Thank God.


Lately, I have been missing Esther & Bianca a lot. FYI, bianca is going to Saudi Arabia. Somewhere near Jordan. That is.. so far.. =( Im gonna miss u a lot babay!! A lot~ And dear Esther, i think she is currently in Korea having fun with bossie & auntie. So Enjoy dear!! Love u guys lotss! Once more, never one day i forget both of u^^ I'm honestly quite happy when I think that we all have our own happy life now. Bennie, still very sayang me. I'm so so so lucky to have him. He's enough for me, and he's all I wanted. Thanks baby for everything. =) Love u so much. I guess I shouldn't think too much (which is what I always did when I'm free =.=). I should just be happy everyday and just let God do the rest. Whichever road im going, I'm going to let God decide. I just need to be myself, I dont need to change anything (unless it's bad attitude or something) because I know that.. "wo bu bi bie ren cha", Thank you Lord for always reminding me that.

Btw, one last thing I need to tell you guys, IM QUITTING LAW!!!! xD Not to say forever, but for now. Yea, I made my choice, & I think its a right choice, cause if it is not, God will not open up ways for me & so if it is, God will surely open up ways and let me know. Im studying GIA. Its about diamond lar. xD So I guess my life would be a bit different than studying law. Most of my time now will be working. At least i have my own income to do things I wanted to do. Hooray for that! Well, I think I'm talking too much. So long for now. Tata!