19th Birthday?

Hey guys.. Its been a long while right? I haven't been posting for the past 1 month. So many things to do.. so many things to think.. Finally, i think its time for me to blog again. I didn't have the courage to blog lately. I have been thinking a lot. So many things had came across my mind and causes confusion. Even now, I am still.

Today is my 19th birthday. Honestly, I dont feel quite happy now. I felt happy just now. But then everything crashes down. Maybe its my problem, i dont know. Sometimes maybe im just too tired. My bf and I, we broke up. Its about 3 weeks already. Im having quite a hard time actually. Sometimes even cry when i think about it. But im acting quite well in front of my friends. At least i did not keep crying in front of them. At least i let them feel relieved. But how can i relieved?

After a few days we broke up, we never contacted each other. Its okay. Maybe it would be better? So he texted me today. Asking me how am i. I told him I'm fine. 3 short messages. We ended our conversation. I guess, he still remember me. As tomorrow is my birthday, maybe he thought of me. 12am just now, he texted me, wishing me happy birthday. I replied him by saying thank you. He called me but i was at the cinema. So we did not talk much. You know what? It felt like i haven hear his voice for years. After hearing his voice, i suddenly remembered it so clearly how his sound was actually like. Its not like i forgotten how he sounded, but.. its like i only remember what he said, but not his voice.

Im trying so hard, so hard so hard, to live my life without you. Struggling over and over again to not think of you. Sometimes i just forgot. I miss you. But i know its over. I dont know how will my future be. But i guess, the chances we're getting back together is a very rare chance. All i can do, is to wish all the best for you in your life. Maybe if you're life is good, i will be happier. Weird, Im saying all this, in a very peaceful heart. Im not crying, not "very" sad, I'm feeling just nice. I think about you, but just the old memories. I guess, its time that i really let you go. I dont mean that i will never think about you or completely forget about you.I still think of you.But maybe at times, maybe when i saw certain things or when i hear certain songs. I dont know. Its impossible to forget you completely. Its a total impossible thing, cause you've really entered my heart and you leave me your memories that i cannot erase it. Okay maybe im crying now, i guess its because, its always hard to say goodbye. I'll always wish the best for you and I'm always gonna be your friend, even though we're not together. =) May god always be with you.

I may still need time to recover. I dont know how long. It may be a few months, a year, maybe 2 years? i dont know. Still trying my best at it.

I wanna thank my friends. Especially babay, dear, and Ben. Babay, thanks for flying from KK to Kuching, just to celebrate my birthday. You dont know how grateful and thankful am i? I really feel like crying now. Im really happy. Dear, Its ok if you did not make it. Come on, BEC forever right?? Eventhough now things doesnt seem to work out like how we used to be, but its okay, because what you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now girls. There may be misunderstanding, there may be arguments, maybe still unhappy? But, how many of 10 years do we all have? How many times of best buds can we meet in 10 years? I miss both of you. i miss both of you so much that i cannot stop crying and thinking how happy we were. I know, sometimes things cannot turn back time. But if i have a choice, why not start it all over again? God says " Forgive and Forget", Matt. 6:14-15 & Hebrews 8:12. Say amen please girls if you're reading. Haha. I really hope, things will be better for all of us. We're "true heart friends", and you know we saw ppl who dont have "true heart friends".Remember? heh =)

Lastly, thank you Ben.

The crocs i love it so much, and the little kitties, the toblerone choc, the nestle yogurt and


the perfume. =) =) =) I really do. Another thank you for you, is that, when im sad in kuching, you accompanied me. Even watched the boring-est movie ever. Haha. Im happy to know you. I really do. Please know that. Next time, smile more please, you looked fierce okay. Btw, friends friends who is reading, Ben is someone i met in kuching. A real nice and thoughtful guy, somehow really sweet. Ben, sorry if i made you angry or always "fa pi qi". Sometimes maybe im lack of something i dont know. Sometimes i dont even know why i did it. Just sorry lah for my "puo la, ye man, tiao man,la kia" attitude. haha. Give me some time. xD Come with me to church plsss when u got time. Heh.

Okay lar.. im being sooooo ah po liao.. heh.. Tata and goodnight. =)