Love.. 

Do you think love is difficult? Sometimes I still get angry at Ben. Especially when I look at other ppls happily married photos. Angry at why didn't he just have a bit more self control. Things would have been so different. I'd still be the happiest girl in the world. I was so content with everything.. everything..

I see my friends photo, I just don't believe they can be so happy. I thought to myself, "Ceh I was also like this and trust me this won't last." But they still together leh.. just that one more step... We'd be married, giving angpaus to my niece and nephew.. probably a twins in my tummy. 

Why did you choose her? How can you let go everything of us? Are you happy? Do you treat her kids like your own? I hope you do. I hope you're happy. All the tears I cried for you better be worth it.. All the hurts better exchange for your happiness.  Or I'll really strangle you...  

I think it's because of you, I don't know how to love anymore. I find it so difficult. So difficult to give my heart to anyone. Its as if I don't believe in love.. don't believe in happiness anymore.. I just feel like nothing will last.. 

Maybe cause i feel this way, I feel like it's still best to be single. Do anything I want, decide anything without being influenced.. just be alone.. even if I cry because of loneliness its still worth it. Cause in the end no one understands.. no one knows how I feel. 

Love is difficult. 

If he loves me.. I don't really love him. Can this relationship work? If I love him and he don't seem to love me that much.. will he appreciate me? Will he take me for granted? How can I love when I don't feel love. How can I love when I'm not sure that he love me as much as I love him or probably more. How can I feel safe again? How can I trust any of the guys. Maybe one day I'll meet him.. meet the right person. Maybe then all the fears I have will be gone.. Maybe then I'll love again...Maybe then I'll give my all to him who is really worth it.. 

Chinese New Year 2016

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 

Past few days I was kinda busy. I stayed at my aunt house as usual cause it doesn't make sense for me to go home, its so.. damn.. far. So on Nian30 I went to do my nails. I know.. OF ALL DAYS, I did it that day. Guess how much it cost me? $100!!!!  Seriously just thinking bout it my heart aches a bit. I really think doing nails is a waste of money  =( I'm never never gonna do manicure anymore! But ... I kinda like my nails this time. heh heh heh. The color is so me! What do you think? pretty? pretty?

After my pretty nails we had steamboat in one of our relative's huge house. 

Of course cannot miss Lao Sang! lol! This is the bessttttt lao sang ever! The taste so damn good that its not enough! 

I helped also ~ hehe

The next day which is chu 1 we all went back to the same house again. This is what they do every year so I will just follow~ haha~ One whole day in the house we sure do what? SELFIE !!!

*paiseh this one edit a bit too white*

Chu 2 went to Serene aunt house with Shawn.

*me trying to selfie with a dog*

Thats about what I did in the past few days. Busy right? lollll. So today chu 3 start work already sure feel sien. =|

Last night I asked Shawn whether are we gonna celebrate V day in advance. Well he said no. Hmm.. So I told him lets just at least go for a dinner. I mean.. On 14th itself I'll be going to KL already. Plus I'll be gone for almost 10 days~ He said "I don't think its necessary to celebrate V day". I think maybe he think its expensive.... but .. its in advance. It's not even on 14th. I don't think it'll be veryyyyy expensive? And I said its my treat! Still he said no.. I was kinda sad and it bothers me.

Today I asked him out on Friday night. I never mention ANYTHING about V day. Then he's okay with dinner. zzzz. I really don't need roses or expensive dinner. At least just bring me out for a nice dinner or hang out together.. maybe a movie? I don't know.. he makes me feel so .. sad. and guilty! as if I'm demanding or having high expectation. =( A dinner to celebrate V day and a dinner to spend time together really makes this much difference mer? It's just a dinner.. Maybe he's just more accepting to anything without the word "valentines day".

Saw a few pictures of us that we took a year ago. I still remember that time we were quite happy one ler. Don't know why things change so fast. Just don't feel it from you anymore. Don't feel you putting effort anymore. Making me even more sad.... ='( I also trying not to care so much.. don't expect so much and very normal de be with you. Thought maybe I'll be happier..

Maybe I didn't try hard enough.. Maybe I really expect too much.. Sometimes you make me wonder... whether a relationship should be like this.

Ok this is definitely a symptom of PMS! Too Emo already~ now must go to sleep. Goodnight!!

CNY is just around the corner, all the atmosphere really is different. I stayed in my aunt house last night cause we had an early reunion dinner. The food was great as always and though I don't know the relatives there well, last night was still an awesome night! 

Work is getting more and more boring for me. It's so repetitive. I should be doing something I love.. and enjoy.. but to feed my ass I couldn't. That makes me sad. Ah well.. I still have to endure for awhile. Just hang in there right? Anyway, I think I am going to study Project Management or Marketing for my degree. These 2 seems to be more... suitable for me (or at least I think I'll enjoy it). 

I texted him again. I know I shouldn't have. But who says I can't text my friend right? Anyway, I really think that I "自作多情". In Bangkok, he clearly treats everyone the same. I was so stupid to even felt something... when there was really nothing at all. He treats Eunice the same, treats Janice the same, treats me the same. I just think too much.  I really need to leave the past behind. Things are different now. We are really just friends..... and I should just get over it.

Oh.. tonight I'm feeling fine

Hellow! Friday night and no date! Why do I feel perfectly fine? I guess cause I really needed some time alone, at least to clean my dirty room. I tidied up my closet. Didn't know I had thatttt much clothes and sometimes I seriously feel like I got no clothes to wear. I hope all girls are the same. haha. I folded some clothes that Ben bought for me last time, hm.. maybe if 6 months back I would be damn emo and cry like shit. Time really dilute all huh? maybe not 100% but at least now I am able to accept that all those are past and it's nothing more but memories.

Same goes for .. him. Time really separates us. The last reply from him was really .. sorta cold. Reply for the sake of replying. I didn't want to reply that message cause I already got nothing to say lol. I seriously have to stop all these nonsense. Just like Ben, what we had is long gone. It was like more than 10 years ago and I shouldn't expect things to go back to how it was. Though I'm not sure if we really have anything before.... You're living your life in KK, I'm living mine in SG. I'm just stubborn. Must I really appreciate and want things that I don't have? I am seriously attached! I have a boyfriend and here I am blogging about someone else. I'm so ... selfish~ and .. stupid. I'm just giving myself a hard time. I guess the sparks that I have for him in Bangkok was because I think too much. For goodness sake it is just a normal secondary school best friends trip~ I seriously don't need to complicate it by having sparks on what I felt 10 years ago!!

I must appreciate what I have now if not I'll regret for not doing so. I should focus on Shawn and be fair to him. I must let go all the other unnecessary additional feelings. Unless I'm single.I must have self-control. I'm so glad that I'm doing the right thing. Now I need to sleep. Goodnight.

You only live once...

What if I die tomorrow.. I'd regret not telling you how I feel.. and I'd regret not trying. All these time I was making assumptions and drowned in my own thoughts.

 Kimberly said, "Don't just sit there every night think and miss him and cry. Go text him! Even one day you confess and he rejects you, that's where u can start crying until you are over him. Now u everyday cry without even telling him?! Better u go do something bout it!"

She's right you know. She's right. I mean..... You only live once right? and really~ If I die tomorrow I really "am dui" for not trying at all. Well.. there's really nothing to lose in just sending a text message. Though I keep thinking it's very weird and awkward. 

I did it.. I waited till 10.30pm and I sent a text over. Why 10.30pm? Cause he may be on bed or at least at home getting ready for bed! And also to prevent him from being distracted (if he's outside) and not able to reply my message properly. lol. Soooo lucky when I text him he just finished shower. We chit chat for.. awhile.. lol. Then he's conversation turned cold. Like.. nothing to say and just wanna end the topic. I mean, I'm human. I can feel that. Buuutttttt... its okay! I can always text him the day after tomorrow at 10.30pm and start another lame conversation! =D

Why do I feel so crazy over him.. This is the first time I really understand the Taiwan drama when they love someone and couldn't be with the person. Now I know how desperate it feels. It's like... just one chance! Just one chance and I'll treat you so well like never before. Just one more chance I'll love you like you're the luckiest person on earth. That's how much I wanna care for you.. ='( All I can do now is just to swallow this feeling everyday and probably cry to sleep thinking bout the happiness I can get if I'm with you..in my dream and imagination.

I'm seriously crazy. I think I just got enchanted, captivated, charmed, dazzled, enraptured, bewitched, spellbind-ed, fascinated, hypnotized, mesmerized by you. Why is it so sad to have feelings for someone that don't feel the same way..

I wish we could start over.....

I miss you

I just came back from Thailand 3 days ago. I went with my secondary best buds! I have to say.. we all still look young and same like last time~ haha. especially him.. just that he grew taller! Which is normal. Apart from that.. he look the same.. okay~ maybe gained a bit of weight? but I gained weight too! So yeah~.. 

I know things change.. I mean after so many years, everything changed! I can't help but reminisce the past. I miss you. You probably will never know I had a hard time trying to forget you. I cried and missed you so badly when I was with Yek. Seriously even with Ben I thought and cried for you many times too. Sorry Ben but yeah I do think of him when I was with you (Though you're like the perfectest guy..) I remember.. I wrote a post about you many years ago.. I told myself "I think this is it. I must move on.. you changed and you probably hate me". But every time.. every single time I see you.. you make me think of you even more. 

I know I made a mistake.. I know I hurt you (or I think I did, maybe you don't think so).. still I think that I hurt you. It breaks my heart so badly when we stopped talking.. and the stupidest stupidest thing was that.. I .. didn't tell you anytime sooner. I just let time slipped.. I couldn't tell you.. I don't know how. I remember I called you and cried.. you told me.. to appreciate what I have now. I cried for many days cause I feel rejected. I never get to tell you how.. important you are. You know.. I'm stupid for not .. showing you that I care. 

When I visit KK I was so so excited to see you. I remember you told me you wanna send me to airport the last day. Waaaa you cannot believe how stupid I am I thought you wanna go kingfisher to pick me up. Then I know you wanna meet me in airport. Still.. I was very happy.. I was excited to meet you yamcha even though I just broke up with Ben and told you all about it. But the moment your mom called.. asking whether your gf is coming home for dinner. I have to say.. I was kinda sad. But when I know you broke up.. I was kinda sad too.. When you say you wanna join the bkk trip~ you don't know how how how how happy I look forward to the trip~ Of course Shana, Eunice, Janice is important too. I was so scared that we'd have a big gap! Thankfully it was all still okay. Though I feel your "reserve-ness", somehow I still wanna stay close to you. 

I couldn't stop smiling when you hold my hand in Choc Ville. Though I know you were fooling around.. You don't know how much I don't wanna let go.. I wish someone had recorded that moment at least I can see it over and over again! Too bad, now I can only play it over and over again in my head. You know the night before you leave you were laying on my bed. You don't know how much I wanna stick to you. Argh! Why didn't I give you that hug before you got on the cab!! I wanted to keep everything about you in my heart. But I couldn't.. I think of you every minute when I got nothing to do! I miss you like crazy! You'll never know.. You'll never know how big the impact you have on me..

Every year I remember your birthday. Jia jia text you and wish you. Though most of the time you'll reply me "Who r u".. I'm like.. yappp..? True la I always change number last time. Still.. I was happy to be able to chitchat with you for that short while. It'd be weird if I text you randomly "What are you doing?". You probably won't reply. Since every message that I sent, you're the one who stopped replying.. 

I must be crazy. I shouldn't be writing all these. Argh!! I'm gonna stop thinking bout you!!

Reliving.....

Many years ago I face the exact same problem I'm facing now. Can you believe it? This shit don't get old at all.. I still remember when I was with Yek I asked myself where to go after form 5~ I wanted to stay in KK so I enrolled in this useless A-level. After A-level.. we broke up~ and got back.. and broke up and got back.. Cause of him I didn't wanna pursue my law degree in KL (though it was really recommended by most of my friends including lecturer), I chose Kuching. A place very near KK thinking that I could fly back easily.. and my sister stays in Kuching..So yeah.. I moved to kuching. A month later.. or so.. we broke up..like for real this time. Great! Now I'm stuck in kuching cause of you! 

I met Ben.. it was great. I was still studying my law degree year 1. I never really studied.. I played.. and skipped classes.. Failed my paper by 2 marks. My sister & mom persuaded me to quit. Ben told me it's better this way to "maintain" our relationship. I did what they all told me. I listened to my sister, listened to my mom, listened to Ben.. Great! 5 years of work with no academic qualification cause of you!

Is making a good decision so hard for me? Sacrificed for Yek.. Sacrificed even more for Ben.. Now I don't even know what I wanna do with my life. I mean.. I used to not think so much. It was so easy to make decision especially when its for that someone you love. I was planning for my "future" so many years ago and I didn't even complete one. One of my dream was to study in UK. Oh you dont know how badly I wanted that. Nothing came true. As a matter of fact, I still don't have my degree~ I'm 26 years old and just attended a preview session for university~ (when actually I should have graduated long long time ago) Seriously.. what was I thinking. Love is damn f*cking blind that I cant see anything at all? I blamed Yek, blamed Ben, blamed my family members.. in the end I'm the one who's doing all of these to myself~ I made the damn choices! I wish .. I really wish that I could change the decision I made..

Now in Singapore.. far from my family members, far from my friends, staying alone, working so hard to pay my school fees.. All because .. I never think of myself at all.. All because.. I don't love myself enough to think straight~ 

So what now? UCD or Murdoch? lol. I thank God that I'm finally doing something for myself. I know that having a degree wont be my worse choice. (Just that if I were to realized it sooner I don need to work so hard.. go through all these.. probably my studies are all paid for and living very comfortably as a student!!) I guess everything do happen for a reason and I should learn how to accept and stop complaining~ But now.. after so many years of time wasting.. I don't know if I can continue with anything that has to do with law. The passion is gone.. I don't feel so.. "On" anymore..

I'm just clueless. They always ask "Where do you see yourself five years from now?" Last time I would know. I'd say a lawyer! Now I'm like.. seriously..? maybe .. an officer in a bank? a cafe/pub singer? or maybe a diamond specialist with sales role? Gosh.. I feel so small in this country! I feel so second class, I feel so lousy, I feel like I'm not important at all.. I mean even my boss makes me feel so different~ Just like this morning~ I smiled at him and he gave me no reaction with his grumpy face. But when he saw the souvenir I bought for him on his table Oh he's like so happy~ But.. come on.. Its a bit fake don't you think? Even talk to officers the tone so sibeh soft, but me..? sometimes soft sometimes.. lol..  

Okay~ the main point is.. erm.. I don't know what to study. lol. Marketing? Law? Banking & Finance? what? Where do I see myself five years from now? I don't know man.. I don't know.. I'm too afraid to see what's ahead when.. I don't even know what will happen tomorrow. I seriously think that anything can happen anything can change. So why plan so hard? Thanks to Ben, now I don't know how my future will be like..  no ambition.. no dream.. nothing. I can't seriously be working in the bank my whole life. I definitely can't be a singer at my age, not to say practice law! Oh God. Why a simple "What course to study" leads to all these words..

I'm too tired.. lets talk about it again. Maybe my next post I'll know what to study.. hopefully..