PMS

Today I'm feeling rather emotional. I hate it when it's that time of the month. I'll feel really weak physically.. emotionally.. and mentally.. Sometimes I just hope that I can travel alone somewhere far, eat alone, explore alone, cry before i sleep.... Anyway, I wanted to blog since the past few day but was tooo tired to even sit in front of my lappie. So today I finally made that 2 steps from my bed.

So... Shawn and I .. are still together. I know. Don't say or think of anything. I know. I thought to myself a million times. Why am I still in this relationship when I'm not happy. But sometimes I'm not entirely not happy. I mean there are happy times. But must I wait till I become entirely unhappy then only can let go a relationship? Is letting go really so hard for me? I don't know.. I'm just feeling so lost and down. Well Shawn is in Taiwan travelling with Marcus. I don't know why, I start to hate myself more and more. I hate to feel insecure. I hate this feeling right now. I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I saw his pictures with some new friends of his which I know is Marcus friends. But as long as there is female in it I go crazy. Seriously what is wrong with me. Can I not have that little trust? It's just me. There is no trust.. maybe not cause of him..or maybe cause of him.. or maybe it's just me. I find it so hard. So so so so hard to trust that I can't trust anybody at all!! Even I know there is nothing going on~ But I can't... How am I going to continue this relationship when I can't trust him.. and all I can do is just feeling so sad and cry to myself.. thinking of all those stupid thoughts..

I feel like I have no life.. I feel like I have so little fun in my life.. What happen to me. Why does a relationship makes me feel this way. Sometimes I feel like I cant breathe and I'm suffocating. I feel so much anger inside me and I try to put it off every single time. I feel so unhappy. I don't want to control my boyfriend. I expect my boyfriend to make me feel safe. I want my boyfriend to text me. I want him to miss me and just talk to me most of the time. Argh. But I don want to force it. I don't want to tell him that this is what I need. It should be natural for a boyfriend to text the gf most of the time. I don't want it to be unwilling and so forced.. I don't want to suffocate him too.. but I'm dying.. Im really dying inside. I don't feel safe.. I don't trust.. I don't know if I can ever love again.

God.. where is my Mr.Right? Because I feel like I really need him right now. Where is the one that will make me feel better and make me love again? Where is he who will understands me inside out? That know all my darkest fear and cherish me like I'm the only one. Whose eyes only see me and only wanna make me smile.. Where is my lover and my best friend who I can talk to about everything and anything.. Where is he.. Cause I cant love until I found him. I need him to open my heart again. I want to love like how I loved Ben. I want to trust.. like how I trusted Ben.. I want no fear in the relationship.. No third party in the relationship.. Just me.. God.. and him..Am I asking too much? Cause I thought God you will only give me the best. and I really pray.. for the best..  I really am waiting for him..

I know that deep down inside my heart.. Shawn and I are holding on for the wrong reasons.. Is holding on doing any good for both of us? Am I the right one for him? or the selfish question is .. Is he the right one for me? Will I.. be happy.. ? I hope God answer my prayers soon..

Love.. 

Do you think love is difficult? Sometimes I still get angry at Ben. Especially when I look at other ppls happily married photos. Angry at why didn't he just have a bit more self control. Things would have been so different. I'd still be the happiest girl in the world. I was so content with everything.. everything..

I see my friends photo, I just don't believe they can be so happy. I thought to myself, "Ceh I was also like this and trust me this won't last." But they still together leh.. just that one more step... We'd be married, giving angpaus to my niece and nephew.. probably a twins in my tummy. 

Why did you choose her? How can you let go everything of us? Are you happy? Do you treat her kids like your own? I hope you do. I hope you're happy. All the tears I cried for you better be worth it.. All the hurts better exchange for your happiness.  Or I'll really strangle you...  

I think it's because of you, I don't know how to love anymore. I find it so difficult. So difficult to give my heart to anyone. Its as if I don't believe in love.. don't believe in happiness anymore.. I just feel like nothing will last.. 

Maybe cause i feel this way, I feel like it's still best to be single. Do anything I want, decide anything without being influenced.. just be alone.. even if I cry because of loneliness its still worth it. Cause in the end no one understands.. no one knows how I feel. 

Love is difficult. 

If he loves me.. I don't really love him. Can this relationship work? If I love him and he don't seem to love me that much.. will he appreciate me? Will he take me for granted? How can I love when I don't feel love. How can I love when I'm not sure that he love me as much as I love him or probably more. How can I feel safe again? How can I trust any of the guys. Maybe one day I'll meet him.. meet the right person. Maybe then all the fears I have will be gone.. Maybe then I'll love again...Maybe then I'll give my all to him who is really worth it.. 

Chinese New Year 2016

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 

Past few days I was kinda busy. I stayed at my aunt house as usual cause it doesn't make sense for me to go home, its so.. damn.. far. So on Nian30 I went to do my nails. I know.. OF ALL DAYS, I did it that day. Guess how much it cost me? $100!!!!  Seriously just thinking bout it my heart aches a bit. I really think doing nails is a waste of money  =( I'm never never gonna do manicure anymore! But ... I kinda like my nails this time. heh heh heh. The color is so me! What do you think? pretty? pretty?

After my pretty nails we had steamboat in one of our relative's huge house. 

Of course cannot miss Lao Sang! lol! This is the bessttttt lao sang ever! The taste so damn good that its not enough! 

I helped also ~ hehe

The next day which is chu 1 we all went back to the same house again. This is what they do every year so I will just follow~ haha~ One whole day in the house we sure do what? SELFIE !!!

*paiseh this one edit a bit too white*

Chu 2 went to Serene aunt house with Shawn.

*me trying to selfie with a dog*

Thats about what I did in the past few days. Busy right? lollll. So today chu 3 start work already sure feel sien. =|

Last night I asked Shawn whether are we gonna celebrate V day in advance. Well he said no. Hmm.. So I told him lets just at least go for a dinner. I mean.. On 14th itself I'll be going to KL already. Plus I'll be gone for almost 10 days~ He said "I don't think its necessary to celebrate V day". I think maybe he think its expensive.... but .. its in advance. It's not even on 14th. I don't think it'll be veryyyyy expensive? And I said its my treat! Still he said no.. I was kinda sad and it bothers me.

Today I asked him out on Friday night. I never mention ANYTHING about V day. Then he's okay with dinner. zzzz. I really don't need roses or expensive dinner. At least just bring me out for a nice dinner or hang out together.. maybe a movie? I don't know.. he makes me feel so .. sad. and guilty! as if I'm demanding or having high expectation. =( A dinner to celebrate V day and a dinner to spend time together really makes this much difference mer? It's just a dinner.. Maybe he's just more accepting to anything without the word "valentines day".

Saw a few pictures of us that we took a year ago. I still remember that time we were quite happy one ler. Don't know why things change so fast. Just don't feel it from you anymore. Don't feel you putting effort anymore. Making me even more sad.... ='( I also trying not to care so much.. don't expect so much and very normal de be with you. Thought maybe I'll be happier..

Maybe I didn't try hard enough.. Maybe I really expect too much.. Sometimes you make me wonder... whether a relationship should be like this.

Ok this is definitely a symptom of PMS! Too Emo already~ now must go to sleep. Goodnight!!

CNY is just around the corner, all the atmosphere really is different. I stayed in my aunt house last night cause we had an early reunion dinner. The food was great as always and though I don't know the relatives there well, last night was still an awesome night! 

Work is getting more and more boring for me. It's so repetitive. I should be doing something I love.. and enjoy.. but to feed my ass I couldn't. That makes me sad. Ah well.. I still have to endure for awhile. Just hang in there right? Anyway, I think I am going to study Project Management or Marketing for my degree. These 2 seems to be more... suitable for me (or at least I think I'll enjoy it). 

I texted him again. I know I shouldn't have. But who says I can't text my friend right? Anyway, I really think that I "自作多情". In Bangkok, he clearly treats everyone the same. I was so stupid to even felt something... when there was really nothing at all. He treats Eunice the same, treats Janice the same, treats me the same. I just think too much.  I really need to leave the past behind. Things are different now. We are really just friends..... and I should just get over it.

Oh.. tonight I'm feeling fine

Hellow! Friday night and no date! Why do I feel perfectly fine? I guess cause I really needed some time alone, at least to clean my dirty room. I tidied up my closet. Didn't know I had thatttt much clothes and sometimes I seriously feel like I got no clothes to wear. I hope all girls are the same. haha. I folded some clothes that Ben bought for me last time, hm.. maybe if 6 months back I would be damn emo and cry like shit. Time really dilute all huh? maybe not 100% but at least now I am able to accept that all those are past and it's nothing more but memories.

Same goes for .. him. Time really separates us. The last reply from him was really .. sorta cold. Reply for the sake of replying. I didn't want to reply that message cause I already got nothing to say lol. I seriously have to stop all these nonsense. Just like Ben, what we had is long gone. It was like more than 10 years ago and I shouldn't expect things to go back to how it was. Though I'm not sure if we really have anything before.... You're living your life in KK, I'm living mine in SG. I'm just stubborn. Must I really appreciate and want things that I don't have? I am seriously attached! I have a boyfriend and here I am blogging about someone else. I'm so ... selfish~ and .. stupid. I'm just giving myself a hard time. I guess the sparks that I have for him in Bangkok was because I think too much. For goodness sake it is just a normal secondary school best friends trip~ I seriously don't need to complicate it by having sparks on what I felt 10 years ago!!

I must appreciate what I have now if not I'll regret for not doing so. I should focus on Shawn and be fair to him. I must let go all the other unnecessary additional feelings. Unless I'm single.I must have self-control. I'm so glad that I'm doing the right thing. Now I need to sleep. Goodnight.

You only live once...

What if I die tomorrow.. I'd regret not telling you how I feel.. and I'd regret not trying. All these time I was making assumptions and drowned in my own thoughts.

 Kimberly said, "Don't just sit there every night think and miss him and cry. Go text him! Even one day you confess and he rejects you, that's where u can start crying until you are over him. Now u everyday cry without even telling him?! Better u go do something bout it!"

She's right you know. She's right. I mean..... You only live once right? and really~ If I die tomorrow I really "am dui" for not trying at all. Well.. there's really nothing to lose in just sending a text message. Though I keep thinking it's very weird and awkward. 

I did it.. I waited till 10.30pm and I sent a text over. Why 10.30pm? Cause he may be on bed or at least at home getting ready for bed! And also to prevent him from being distracted (if he's outside) and not able to reply my message properly. lol. Soooo lucky when I text him he just finished shower. We chit chat for.. awhile.. lol. Then he's conversation turned cold. Like.. nothing to say and just wanna end the topic. I mean, I'm human. I can feel that. Buuutttttt... its okay! I can always text him the day after tomorrow at 10.30pm and start another lame conversation! =D

Why do I feel so crazy over him.. This is the first time I really understand the Taiwan drama when they love someone and couldn't be with the person. Now I know how desperate it feels. It's like... just one chance! Just one chance and I'll treat you so well like never before. Just one more chance I'll love you like you're the luckiest person on earth. That's how much I wanna care for you.. ='( All I can do now is just to swallow this feeling everyday and probably cry to sleep thinking bout the happiness I can get if I'm with you..in my dream and imagination.

I'm seriously crazy. I think I just got enchanted, captivated, charmed, dazzled, enraptured, bewitched, spellbind-ed, fascinated, hypnotized, mesmerized by you. Why is it so sad to have feelings for someone that don't feel the same way..

I wish we could start over.....

I miss you

I just came back from Thailand 3 days ago. I went with my secondary best buds! I have to say.. we all still look young and same like last time~ haha. especially him.. just that he grew taller! Which is normal. Apart from that.. he look the same.. okay~ maybe gained a bit of weight? but I gained weight too! So yeah~.. 

I know things change.. I mean after so many years, everything changed! I can't help but reminisce the past. I miss you. You probably will never know I had a hard time trying to forget you. I cried and missed you so badly when I was with Yek. Seriously even with Ben I thought and cried for you many times too. Sorry Ben but yeah I do think of him when I was with you (Though you're like the perfectest guy..) I remember.. I wrote a post about you many years ago.. I told myself "I think this is it. I must move on.. you changed and you probably hate me". But every time.. every single time I see you.. you make me think of you even more. 

I know I made a mistake.. I know I hurt you (or I think I did, maybe you don't think so).. still I think that I hurt you. It breaks my heart so badly when we stopped talking.. and the stupidest stupidest thing was that.. I .. didn't tell you anytime sooner. I just let time slipped.. I couldn't tell you.. I don't know how. I remember I called you and cried.. you told me.. to appreciate what I have now. I cried for many days cause I feel rejected. I never get to tell you how.. important you are. You know.. I'm stupid for not .. showing you that I care. 

When I visit KK I was so so excited to see you. I remember you told me you wanna send me to airport the last day. Waaaa you cannot believe how stupid I am I thought you wanna go kingfisher to pick me up. Then I know you wanna meet me in airport. Still.. I was very happy.. I was excited to meet you yamcha even though I just broke up with Ben and told you all about it. But the moment your mom called.. asking whether your gf is coming home for dinner. I have to say.. I was kinda sad. But when I know you broke up.. I was kinda sad too.. When you say you wanna join the bkk trip~ you don't know how how how how happy I look forward to the trip~ Of course Shana, Eunice, Janice is important too. I was so scared that we'd have a big gap! Thankfully it was all still okay. Though I feel your "reserve-ness", somehow I still wanna stay close to you. 

I couldn't stop smiling when you hold my hand in Choc Ville. Though I know you were fooling around.. You don't know how much I don't wanna let go.. I wish someone had recorded that moment at least I can see it over and over again! Too bad, now I can only play it over and over again in my head. You know the night before you leave you were laying on my bed. You don't know how much I wanna stick to you. Argh! Why didn't I give you that hug before you got on the cab!! I wanted to keep everything about you in my heart. But I couldn't.. I think of you every minute when I got nothing to do! I miss you like crazy! You'll never know.. You'll never know how big the impact you have on me..

Every year I remember your birthday. Jia jia text you and wish you. Though most of the time you'll reply me "Who r u".. I'm like.. yappp..? True la I always change number last time. Still.. I was happy to be able to chitchat with you for that short while. It'd be weird if I text you randomly "What are you doing?". You probably won't reply. Since every message that I sent, you're the one who stopped replying.. 

I must be crazy. I shouldn't be writing all these. Argh!! I'm gonna stop thinking bout you!!

Reliving.....

Many years ago I face the exact same problem I'm facing now. Can you believe it? This shit don't get old at all.. I still remember when I was with Yek I asked myself where to go after form 5~ I wanted to stay in KK so I enrolled in this useless A-level. After A-level.. we broke up~ and got back.. and broke up and got back.. Cause of him I didn't wanna pursue my law degree in KL (though it was really recommended by most of my friends including lecturer), I chose Kuching. A place very near KK thinking that I could fly back easily.. and my sister stays in Kuching..So yeah.. I moved to kuching. A month later.. or so.. we broke up..like for real this time. Great! Now I'm stuck in kuching cause of you! 

I met Ben.. it was great. I was still studying my law degree year 1. I never really studied.. I played.. and skipped classes.. Failed my paper by 2 marks. My sister & mom persuaded me to quit. Ben told me it's better this way to "maintain" our relationship. I did what they all told me. I listened to my sister, listened to my mom, listened to Ben.. Great! 5 years of work with no academic qualification cause of you!

Is making a good decision so hard for me? Sacrificed for Yek.. Sacrificed even more for Ben.. Now I don't even know what I wanna do with my life. I mean.. I used to not think so much. It was so easy to make decision especially when its for that someone you love. I was planning for my "future" so many years ago and I didn't even complete one. One of my dream was to study in UK. Oh you dont know how badly I wanted that. Nothing came true. As a matter of fact, I still don't have my degree~ I'm 26 years old and just attended a preview session for university~ (when actually I should have graduated long long time ago) Seriously.. what was I thinking. Love is damn f*cking blind that I cant see anything at all? I blamed Yek, blamed Ben, blamed my family members.. in the end I'm the one who's doing all of these to myself~ I made the damn choices! I wish .. I really wish that I could change the decision I made..

Now in Singapore.. far from my family members, far from my friends, staying alone, working so hard to pay my school fees.. All because .. I never think of myself at all.. All because.. I don't love myself enough to think straight~ 

So what now? UCD or Murdoch? lol. I thank God that I'm finally doing something for myself. I know that having a degree wont be my worse choice. (Just that if I were to realized it sooner I don need to work so hard.. go through all these.. probably my studies are all paid for and living very comfortably as a student!!) I guess everything do happen for a reason and I should learn how to accept and stop complaining~ But now.. after so many years of time wasting.. I don't know if I can continue with anything that has to do with law. The passion is gone.. I don't feel so.. "On" anymore..

I'm just clueless. They always ask "Where do you see yourself five years from now?" Last time I would know. I'd say a lawyer! Now I'm like.. seriously..? maybe .. an officer in a bank? a cafe/pub singer? or maybe a diamond specialist with sales role? Gosh.. I feel so small in this country! I feel so second class, I feel so lousy, I feel like I'm not important at all.. I mean even my boss makes me feel so different~ Just like this morning~ I smiled at him and he gave me no reaction with his grumpy face. But when he saw the souvenir I bought for him on his table Oh he's like so happy~ But.. come on.. Its a bit fake don't you think? Even talk to officers the tone so sibeh soft, but me..? sometimes soft sometimes.. lol..  

Okay~ the main point is.. erm.. I don't know what to study. lol. Marketing? Law? Banking & Finance? what? Where do I see myself five years from now? I don't know man.. I don't know.. I'm too afraid to see what's ahead when.. I don't even know what will happen tomorrow. I seriously think that anything can happen anything can change. So why plan so hard? Thanks to Ben, now I don't know how my future will be like..  no ambition.. no dream.. nothing. I can't seriously be working in the bank my whole life. I definitely can't be a singer at my age, not to say practice law! Oh God. Why a simple "What course to study" leads to all these words..

I'm too tired.. lets talk about it again. Maybe my next post I'll know what to study.. hopefully..

I'm back!

Hello again! I'm back~ I know I know.. after 4 years now I'm back? true or not? But yeap! I guess .. I really need a blog to express myself. Actually I did try starting blogging again like a year back. This is the link >> xexebaby.wordpress.com Anyway i don't think I'll continue there anymore.. I wanna continue writing my life.. Changing a blog doesn't change anything. So yeah.. I'll give u guys some updates of some major events that took place?

So.. here goes! I got a feeling this is going to be heck long blog. Still, I'll try to cut short =) As you all know.. Ben & I broke up. That was the reason I couldnt continue writing here. For those who didnt know, we were together for almost 5 years. I have to say .. I thought he was the one. He's different from the other guys. He's very gentleman.. and I never felt so loved before. You all know I kinda suck in relationship. So finally.. finally I thought, I got the right one this time! woohoo! Sad to say, things did not happen like I thought it would be. We were getting ready to settle down our lives together, we bought a house, we were happy.., and I was just waiting.. for that day. For the day that I would shout out loud YES I DO!!! I guess after 2 years now.. I'm happy you made that choice. Tho I find it really hard to accept in the first place. But.. I'm really happy for you. Cause you found the right one and I'm sure you're very happy with her. I don't hate you Ben. I guess I love you so much to be able to let you go. No doubt that I still think of you.. cry for you.. misses you.. well for all that beautiful memories with you I can say that its totally normal. At least.. now I moved on. Yep. You heard that right! see that right! Though, the news of both of you getting married soon makes my eyes go crazy and couldn't stop crying. I still think that's normal given that we did spent many many years together. So here I am.. wishing you happiness! and its all worth it to be with the one you love =)

Okay so that was one of the major event in my life. LOL, The second one is.. I'M IN SINGAPORE!!!! Well, if you know me as like a real friend and read all of my previous blogs, you'd know how difficult it is for my character and personality to make this choice. .... Okay not that difficult cause I was too hurt and wanted to leave badly, so it was the only thing i wanted to do. It was to leave Kuching.. I couldnt stand another day there and I'm going to leave out all the little details that happened. So yeah, I told my mom a week before and my sis 3 days before I'm leaving and .. I made it. Though I was very sad to leave my family members and just runaway like that. I knew that I needed a change. I am now renting a room, no xiao bai (my car), no mummy's food, only me and me being independent~  I suggest you read my other blog to know roughly hows my life in Singapore. I .. am attached. We had many problems, just like the one I had with my 2nd ex (ah Yek), and if u view my older post, yep, the better looking one is him. Oh yeah, btw, Yek is getting married soon too! Esther showed me a photo of him proposing~ I'm so happy for him! All that heartache I felt for him was so not worth it! lol! We should end earlier and we both could be happier! Ah well.. I guess things do happen for a reason.

 So back to my bf and I, we had many problems. We gave up many times. Wanted to go our own ways many times. But you all know me. My heart.. I couldnt do it. and yes, we are still together. 1 year plus now. Things.. are getting slightly better for both of us. I can feel it. I mean much much better compared to like.. 6 months ago? So yeah.. I've been holding on. Trying and trying. I'm glad that its better. But.. I dont know.. Some part of me knows that.. he's not the one. I know it.. He's not the one that I'd spend the rest of my life with. I must be crazy right? Holding on to something I know that its not my future, but cause I am.. too afraid.. too scared of that heartache caused by Ben. I changed without me knowing. Being so reserve and I guess overly independent that I didn't want anyone but myself. Now I'm slowly opening up. Slowly accepting him and his flaws. I hope that.. I can endure long enough and hurt enough to have the courage to end this. Seeing that he is treating me better. I guess it'll need quite some time to end this relationship. hahaha~

So thats all! My major updates~ lol. I'm gonna blog more often cause I feel so much better now =) I'm gonna write about my bangkok trip the next post! Stay tune? Tata!

Some photos to show you what happened when I didnt blog~ lol

 This is Wen Wen. She's my best friend in Kuching! She is the one who was with me throughout all my tough time!

Like a tourist in Kch we cycled the town~

Our KL trip to cheer me up!

Damai trip! 

Wen, if you ever have chance to read this blog of mine, I wanna tell you thank you. Thank you very much for being with me all the time when I need one. You're a great friend! and I love you!! =D 

After I broke up, my new life begin~ I party crazily every single night!

Though we don't talk to each other anymore, It's okay~ Cause we really did had a great time together! I'm glad you guys were in my life before.

You cannot imagine how crazy I was.. my sis saw me going to toilet with my make up and I was so drunk I told her I make up before I shower. Some crazy shit like that haha, The moment you go to work with perfect make up on the face from last night is priceless~ The awful hangover at work sucks~ but once its 11pm the night became so damn damn young! Many many months until I told myself, Stop. Celina, stop. I stopped partying.. but the hurt got even worse when everything slaps back at my face. Thats when I decided to leave. But of course you cant really stop.. everything.. at once. haha~ 

Must do before drinking stout!

When you wanna do whatever you want with your hair!

My loneliest time in Kch, you guys surprised me all the way from KK! 

My forever forever Best Friend! Shana Ng! 

Penang trip that Ben was suppose to meet my birth parents~ 

My sister

aaaaaand my twin brother. yep. me and ma twins! 

Sorry I have no idea how to rotate this picture

My second bravest trip to visit my birth parents alone~

Nakhon Phanom in Thailand to visit my grandmother~

First time meeting my grandma~ Sawadeeka kunyai^^

My KK gang in SG that makes me feel like I'm home~

My bestie Kimmy! 

Single me looking at the sea~ lol

I'll update more the next time. But I guess thats about what happened? lol~